25 Februarie 2002 23h41:
UNDER CONSTRUCTION!
ANTIE HOEFIE TE WORRY NIE:
Die ou verkoop stofsuiers maar sy besigheid maak nie baie geld nie en hy besluit hy moet kyk of hy dit op n ander plek ook kan verkoop kry.
Hy pak toe sy Cresida stasiewa vol stofsuiers en se vir een van sy agente hy moet kyk of hy dit op die platteland verkoop kan kry. Die ou is toe daar weg en die eerste dorpie wat hy kry is toe Pofadder. Hy klop aan die eerste deur en n ou tannie maak die deur oop. Die agent se: Tannie, ek wil jou graag iets wys. Die Tannie nooi hom toe in en se: Kom in en sit maar hier in die sitkamer terwyl ek vir ons gaan koffie maak en sy stap kombuis toe. Die agent is toe daar in die sitkamer in met die boks waar die stofsuier in is en begin om die stofsuier uit te pak en aanmekaar te sit toe daar ewe skielik n klein hondjie in gehardloop kom en dié bollie op die sitkamermat. Die ou kry so n smile op sy gesig en dink by himself vandag verkoop ek die een definitief. Toe die tannie met die koffie kom, se die agent: Tannie, kyk wat het daai hondjie gedoen en hy wys na die plek toe en
se verder: Tannie, maar moet jy nie worry nie, as die stofsuier dit nie heeltemal skoonmaak nie, eet ek dit persoonlik. Die Tannie sit die skinkbord met die koffie neer en vat een lepeltjie suiker en strooi dit oor die hopie wat die hondjie gelos het. Die agent kyk haar so verbaas aan en vra: Tannie, nou hoekom gooi jy suiker op? Die Tannie sê: Boetman, dit behoort nou n bietjie beter te smaak, jy kan maar begin eet. Ons het nie elektrisiteit op Pofadder nie.
DIE JUFFROU:
Die juffrou vra: Klas, se vir my wat gee hoenders? Marietjie antwoord: Eiers juffrou. Nou wie kan vir my se wat gee boerbokke? Sannie se: Bokmelk juffrou. En wat gee n koei ons? Jannie antwoord Wiskunde en huiswerk juffrou!
GOEIE KEUSE:
Die seuntjie kom laat by die sondagskool aan. Sy juffrou weet dat hy altyd baie pligsgetrou is en vra toe of daar iets verkeerd is. Hy vertel toe dat hy wou gaan visvang maar dat sy pa gese het dat hy kerk toe moet kom. Die juffrou was baie beindruk en vra toe of sy pa vir hom verduidelik het waarom hy liewer moet kerktoe kom as om te gaan vis vang. Ja juffrou, antwoord die seuntjie. Hyt gese hy het nie genoeg aas vir ons altwee nie!
NOG N MANIER:
Die moedelose ma wie se seuntjie net nie wou end kry nie vra uiteindelik Jannie, hoe dink jy gaan jy eendag in die hemel kom? Die seuntjie het bietjie daaroor gedink en se toe: Ek sal in en uit hardloop tot Petrus vir my se: Liewe aarde, Jannie, kom nou in of bly buite! Daars Juffrou! Die fotograaf het n klasfoto van die kinders geneem en die juffrou het die kinders probeer motiveer om van die fotos te koop. Dink net hoe lekker sal dit wees as julle eendag weer na die foto kan kyk en se Daars Jennifer, sys n prokureur of Dit is Michael, hys n dokter! n Stem agter uit die klas se Daars Juffrou, sys al dood!
VERTEL HOM MAAR:
Last summer, a man in Amsterdam went to his priest and confessed, Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During the second World War, I hid a wealthy Jewish refugee in my attic to save him from the Nazis. The priest, a bit perplexed, replied, Well, son, that was quite a courageous and generous thing to do. Why do you think it was a sin?
God will bless you for your kindness. But, father, I made him agree to pay me 20 Gulden for every week he stayed. I admit that wasnt omething to be proud of, but you did it for a good cause. Replied the father. Oh, thank you, Father, that eases my mind. I have one more
question. What is that, my son? Do I have to tell him the war is over?
IS JY DRONK:
One Star Hangover:
No pain. No real feeling of illness. Youre able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak and fries.
Two Star Hangover:
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.
Three Star Hangover:
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. Youve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke yet you havent peed once.
Four Star Hangover:
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You cant speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that cant hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. For the ladies, it looks like you put your makeup on while riding the bumper cars. Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the
first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.
Five Star Hangover:
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You dont have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire
hose like discharge of alcohol - scented fluid with a rare floater thrown in. The sole purpose of this floater seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good right about now.
VROUENS:
A very attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures to a man behind the counter, who, after viewing her assets, comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which slowly turns red. Are you the owner? she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, no, he replies. Im the manager. Can you get the owner for me? I need to speak to him, she says, running her hands up beyond his ears and through his hair. Im afraid I cant, breathes the manager. He is not in today. Is there anything I can do for you? Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message, she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. Tell him, she says, that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.
NUCLEAR POWER:
Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the first guy turned to the second and said, Lets talk. Ive heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The second guy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, took off his glasses and said to the first guy, What would you like to discuss? Oh, I dont know, said the first guy. How about nuclear power? OK, said the second guy. That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pel lets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse
produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is? Jeez, said the first guy. I have no idea. Well, then, said the second guy, How is it that you feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you dont know shut?
KOOS EN PAPEGAAI:
Koos vlieg besigheidsklas tussen Kaapstad en Johannesburg, en hy is besonder ver baas om te sien dat die passasier in die stoel langs hom n papegaai is. Toe die lug waardin verbykom, vra Koos vir n koppie koffie. En vir my n whiskey, jou koei, snou die papegaai haar toe. Die lugwaardin is so verbaas dat sy die whiskey bring, maar Koos se koffie vergeet. Toe Koos haar daarop wys dat hy nog wag vir sy koffie, skree die papegaai vir haar: En bring vir my nog n whiskey, jou koei! Duidelik ontsteld kom die lugwaardin terug met die papegaai se whiskey,maar weereens sonder Koos se kof fie. Nie heeltemal seker hoe om sy koffie te kry nie, besluit Koos om die papegaai se metode te gebruik. Ek het jou nou al twee maal vir koffie gevra, jou simpel ou koei. Bring dit nou voor ek kwaad word! Die volgende oomblik het die kaptein en n paar van die manlike passasiers vir Koos en die papegaai beet en dra hulle na die nood uitgang toe. Net voor hulle uitgegooi word se die papegaai aan Koos: So, vir iemand wat nie kan vlieg nie het jy nogal n groot bek!
JANNIE EN DIE PRIESTER:
Jannie sit een oggend op die sypaadjie met n bottel swembadsuur, besig om dit oor die miere uit te gooi soos hulle verbykruip. n Engelse priester loop verby, kyk die storie uit en vra: Good
morning, young man. What are you doing with that little bottle? Ek brand die miere, oom. Die priester dink dat dit bietjie gevaarlik is virre laaitie om met sulke tipe van suur te speel en probeer dink aan n manier om Jannie te laat vaar van sy planne: I have a bottle of holy water here that you could put on the ants instead. I once put a drop of this on a womans belly
and she passed a child. Dis fokkol, se Jannie ek het eenkeer n druppel van hierie goed op
n hond se Ballas gesit en hyt n Kawasaki gepass!
PIERRE THE PILOT:
Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. Its a beautiful day and love is in the air. Marie leans over to Pierre and says, Pierre, kiss me! Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Maries lips. What are you doing, Pierre? says the startled Marie. I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have red meat, I have red wine! She smiles and they start kissing. Things began to heat up a little and Marie says, Pierre, kiss me lower. Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and pours it on her breasts Pierre! What are you doing now? asks the bewildered Marie. I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! When I have white meat, I have white wine! She giggles and they resume their passionate interlude, and things really steam up. Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, Pierre, kiss me much lower! Pierre rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours it in her lap. He then strikes a match and lights the cognac on fire. Marie shrieks and dives into the River Seine. Standing waist deep, Marie throws her arms into the air and screams furiously, PIERRE, WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING? Our hero stands and says defiantly, I am Pierre, the fighter pilot! If I go down, I go down in flames!
6 AFFAIRS:
The First Affair:
There was a middle - age couple that had two stunningly beautiful teen – age daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted. After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look and was horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could be the father of the child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered, he cried. Then he gave her a stern look and asked, Have you been fooling around on me? The wife smiled sweetly and said, Not this time.
The Second Affair:
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the
Dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
Examined the body of Mr Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery – Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen! Im sorry, Mr Schwartz, said the mortician, but I cant send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity. And with that the coroner used his scalpel to remove the dead mans privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a brief case and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. I have something to show you that you wont believe, he said, opening his briefcase. Oh, my God! she screamed, Schwartz is dead!
The Third Affair:
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. Hurry! she said. Stand in the corner! She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. Dont move until I tell you to, she whispered. Just pretend youre a statue. Whats this, honey? the husband inquired as he entered the room. Oh, its just a statue, she replied nonchalantly. The Smiths
Bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too. No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around 2 a.m, the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. Here, he said to the statue, eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.
The Fourth Affair:
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer. Certainly, sir, replies the bartender. Thatll be 1
cent. ONE CENT! exclaims the customer. The barman replies, Yes. So the guy glances over the menu and asks, Could I have a nice juicy
T - bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg? Certainly, sir, replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money. How much
money? inquires the guy. Four cents, the bartender replies. FOUR
cents! exclaims the guy. Wheres the guy who owns this place? The bartender replies, Upstairs with my wife. The guy asks, Whats he doing with your wife? The bartender replies, Same as Im doing to
his business.
The Fifth Affair:
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candle light vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, My darling Becky, he whispered. Hush, my
love, she said. Rest. Shhh, dont talk. He was insistent. Becky, he said in his tired voice, I have something I must confess to you. Theres nothing to confess, replied the weeping Becky. Everythings all right. Go to sleep. No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother! I know, Becky whispered softly, Thats why I poisoned you.
The Sixth Affair:
An elderly gent was invited to his old friends home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweet heart, Pumpkin, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, I think its wonder ful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.The old man hung his head. I have to tell you the truth, he said I forgot her name about 10 years ago.
DIE REELS VAN BRAAI:
Onthou braai is nie life or death nie, dit is baie ernstiger as dit.
Maak seker of dit n bring en braai is en of die gasheer of braaier die vleis gaan voorsien. In laasgenoemde geval mag jy nog steeds nie met lee hande opdaag nie. Bied aan om slaai, poeding of skyfies te bring.
n Bottel wyn of jou gasheer se favourite sixpack sal ook nie onvanpas wees nie. Vind uit wat jou gasheer gaan braai. As hy chops braai vat jy chops saam ens. - dit vergemaklik net die braai - proses en maak meer drink tyd vry.
n Blou Bul steak en moerse Free Range Chicken Flatties is nie iets wat jy na n bring en braai toe vat nie!
Besluit voor jy ry na die braai of jy n man of n vrou is. As jy n man
is, sorg dat jy by die braaier of braai staan. Die enigste uit sondering op die reel is as jy die enigste mens by die braai is wat n Wes - Kaspiese Slang Eier Slaai kan maak, dan en dan alleen mag jy vir die duur van die slaai maak proses in die kombuis vertoef.
n Braaier mag glad nie alleen by die braai wees nie, no matter what!
Dis jou plig as nie - braaier om te sorg dat die braaier en sy gade se glase altyd n redelik mate van vog bevat. Dit is onverskoonbaar as die braaier sy eie dop moet skink.
Tensy jy die Wereld Braai Kampioen is mag jy nie raad gee aan die braaier sonder sy eksplisiete vraag daarna nie. Jy vat hom in die gesig, asook die persoon wat hom geleer braai het m.a.w. sy pa.
As die braaier weg is van die braai vir n wyle om welke rede ookal, is dit jou plig as nie - braaier om na die vleis te kyk en te sorg dat dit nie brand nie.
As jy die vleis gedraai het in sy afwesigheid laat die braaier weet
met sy terugkoms. Jy mag in sy afwesigheid net jou eie vleis met spices bedek, verder is hy in beheer van die speserye.
Sigaret stompies mag nimmer as te nooit in die vuur gegooi word nie voor of tydens die braai proses nie, slegs nadat die vleis alles gaar is kan jy met n cool houding jou stompie in die geselsvuur skiet.
As jy die enigste man by n braai is bied aan om die braai te hanteer, as die gasvrou nie wil he jy moet braai nie, geld alle reels ten opsigte van die braaier en nie - braaier verhouding nog steeds.
Drink so dat jy nie uitpass voor ete nie, jy mag egter uitpass enige tyd na ete, op eie tyd en teiken.
Maak seker dat jy ten minste een of twee flippen snaakse grappe het om die braaier mee te vermaak terwyl hy braai. Gewigtige onderwerpe moet liefs gehou word vir na - ete as almal lekker gesuip is.
Onthou ten alle tye dat braai n eeue - lange tradisie, en die Hoek steen van Afrikaner kultuur is. Hoe meer jy braai, hoe sterker word ons kultuur.
LANG NAWEEK:
n Egpaar van Gauteng het een winter besluit om vir n langnaweek na
Durban te gaan om n bietjie te ontdooi. Omdat hulle albei werk, kon
hulle nie saam vlieg nie. Die man het dus reeds die Donderdag ver trek en sy vrou sou hom die volgende dag volg. By sy aankoms het hy by die hotel ingeboek en toe n e – possie aan sy vrou gestuur. On gelukkig het hy een letter in haar adres verkeerd getik, sodat die boodskap by iemand anders uitgekom het. In Bloemfontein het n weduwee pas van haar man se begrafnis af teruggekom. Hy was n geliefde leraar wat ná n hartaanval oorlede is. Die weduwee het gou gaan e - pos aftap, in die verwagting om troosboodskappe van familie en vriende te kry. Toe sy die eerste boodskap lees, val sy flou neer. Haar seun storm die kamer in en kry sy ma op die vloer, en sien die volgende boodskap op die skerm:
To: My geliefde vrou
From: Jou liefhebbende man
Subject: Ek het aangekom!
Ek het so pas aangekom en is ingeboek. Ek sal sorg dat alles gereed is vir jou koms moreoggend. Ek sien daarna uit om jou weer te sien!
Hoop jou reis is net so voorpoedig soos myne. Liefde!
NS: Dit is regtig baie warm hier onder!
GRAPPIE:
Why dont bears wear socks?
Because they like to walk in their bear feet.
OUMENSE:
A man was walking down the street past his Grandpas house when he noticed his Grandpa sitting on the porch, in the rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist? he asked. The old man slowly looked at him and said, Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This is your Grandmas idea.
HAVING A BAD DAY:
There was a case in one hospitals Intensive Care ward where patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11 a.m, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought that it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11 a.m. on Sundays. So a World - Wide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11 Pookie Johnson, The part - time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he could use the vacuum cleaner.
Having a Bad Day?
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was R80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think youre having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stam peding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
What? STILL having a bad day?
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didnt pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with return to sender stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits. There, now, feeling better?
ARTHRITIS:
A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The mans tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was
sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, Say, Father, what causes arthritis? My Son, its caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man. Well, Ill be damned, the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. Im very sorry. I didnt mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis? I dont have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.
WATTER DEURBRAAK VIR MANS:
Millions of years ago, there was no such thing as the wheel.One day, some primitive guys were watching their wives drag a dead mastodon to the food and fire area. It was exhausting work, the guys were getting tired just watching. Then they noticed some large, smooth, rounded boulders and they had a great idea! They could sit on top of the boulders and get a better view of their wives working. This was the first in a series of breakthroughs that ultimately led to TV and later to the remote control.
COWBOY TO THE RESCUE:
They stand at the bar, drinking a beer, and talking about current cattle prices. Suddenly a woman, at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent, that she is in real distress. One of the cowboys looks at her, and says Kin ya swaller ? The woman shakes her head, no. Kin ya breath ? The wo man begins to turn blue, and shakes her head. The cowboy walks over to the woman, lifts up the back of her dress, yanks down her panties, and slowly runs his tongue, from the back of her thigh, up to the small of her back. The woman is so shocked, that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the cowboy walks slowly back to the bar, and takes a drink from his beer. His partner says, ya know Id heard of that thar Hind Lick Maneuver, but I aint never seen nobody do it.
A PHILOSOPHY:
A Philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2 in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He then asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous -- yes. The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and proceeded to pour their entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the grains of sand.
The students laughed. Now, said the professor, as the laughter subsided, I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The rocks are the important things -- your family, your partner, your health, your children -- things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job,
your house, your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, he continued. There is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always
be time to go to work. Clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal. Take care of the rocks first -- the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand. One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented. The professor smiled. Im glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, theres always room for a couple of beers.
DIE ONDERWYSER:
Die onderwyseres se vir die klas dat hy hul kennis van wiskunde wil toets. Hy vra die seuns Se nou vir my as Wellington 10km van die Paarl af is hoe ver is die Paarl van Wellington af. Hy kyk rond in die klas maar nie een waag n antwoord nie. Dis tjoepstil in die klas. Kom nou seuns dis mos maklik niemand waag n antwoord nie. Die onderwyser be sluit om een van die seuns reguit te vra. Jannie gee jy nou vir ons die antwoord. Ou Jannie skud sy kop en skop teen sy bank Jannie maar dit is mos logies. As Wellington 10km van die Paarl af is, is die Paarl mos 10km van Wellington af. DIT SPREEK VANSELF. Jy kan eintlik hoor hoe Jannie somme maak in sy kop. Nei Meneer dit spreek nie vanself nie. Van Krismis tot Nuwejaar is n week, maar van Nuwejaar tot Krismis is n Moerse lang tyd.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A WOMAN:
Take off clothing and place it in a sectioned laundry hamper according to lights, darks, whites, man made or natural. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If husband seen along the
way cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out belly. Complain and whine about getting fat. Get in shower. Look for face cloth, armcloth, loin cloth, long loofah,wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash hair once with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Wash hair again with Cucumber and Lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. Condition hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner with enhanced natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes. Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for ten minutes until red raw. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that its all come off. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot.
Turn off shower. Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mould spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. Check entire body for remotest sign of spots. Attack with nails and tweezers if you can find them. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and a half getting dressed.
HOW TO SHOWER LIKE A MAN:
Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to bathroom. If wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting Way Hey! Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique. Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff. Get in shower. Dont bother to look for wash cloth, dont need one. Wash face. Wash armpits. Laugh at how loud farts sound in the shower. Wash bollocks and the surrounding area.
Wash arse, leaving hair on soap. Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo. Pull back curtain to see self in mirror. Piss in shower. Rinse off and get out of shower. Fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time. Partially dry off. Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on floor. Leave bathroom light and fan on. Return to bed room with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go Yeah baby and thrust pelvis at her. Put on yesterdays clothes.
DARWIN AWARDS 2002:
Hard to believe, but another year has passed. For those who dont know about it, the Darwin Awards are awarded every year to the persons who died in the stupidest way, thereby removing themselves from the gene pool a couple of these didnt die but were injured enough to warrant entry - what a feat.The nominees are:
NOMINEE No. 1:
San Jose Mercury News: An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former girlfriends windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE No. 2:
Kalamazoo Gazette James Burns, 34, a mechanic of Alamo, Mich, was kil led in March as he was trying to repair what police describe as a farm type truck. Burns got a friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns clothes caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns wrapped in the drive shaft.
NOMINEE No. 3:
Hickory Daily Record Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in Newton, N.C. Awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed
instead a Smith and Wesson .38 Special, that he kept next to the bed for protection, which accidentally discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE No. 4:
UPI, Toronto Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoul der and plunged 24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry
Hoy, 39, fell into the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was explaining the strength of the buildings windows to visiting law students. Hoy previously had conducted demon stration of window strength according to police reports. Peter Lawyers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was one of the best and brightest members of the 200 - man association.Wow -
theres 199 guys I hope I never meet!
NOMINEE No. 5:
Bloomberg News Service] A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his body but an autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage and a couple of other things. It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the man died in his sleep from breathing the poisonous cloud that was hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been opened, it wouldnt have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near - airtight bedroom. According to the article, He was a big man with a huge capacity for creating this deadly gas. Three of the rescuers got sick and one was hospitalised.
NOMINEE No. 6:
News of the Weird Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously. He had spent several years awaiting South Carolinas electric chair on a murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison. While sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was elec trocuted.
NOMINEE NO. 7:
The Indianapolis Star. A cigarette lighter may have triggered a fatal explosion in Dunkirk, Indiana. A Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a muzzle loader was killed Monday
night when the weapon discharged in his face, sheriffs investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his parents rural Dunkirk home at about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor was cleaning a 54 - caliber muzzle loader that had not been firing properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE No. 8:
Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario. A man cleaning a bird feeder on the bal cony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and fell 23 stories to his death. Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair when the accident occurred, said Inspector D Arcy Honer of the Peel Regional police. It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony, Honer said.
AND FINALLY Nominee 9:
Arkansas Democrat Gazette. Two local men were seriously injured when their pickup truck left the road and struck a tree near Cotton Patchon
State Highway 38 early Monday morning. Woodruff County deputy Dovey Snyder reported the accident shortly after midnight Monday. Thurston Poole, 33,of Des Arc and Billy Ray Wallis, 38, of Little Rock are listed in serious condition at Baptist Medical Centre. The accident occurred as the two men were returning to Des Arc after a frog - gigging trip. On an overcast Sunday night, Pooles pick - up truck headlights malfunctioned. The two men concluded that the headlight fuse on the older model truck had burned out. As a replacement fuse was not available, Wallis noticed that the .22caliber bullet from his pistol fit perfectly into the fuse box next to the steering wheel column. After inserting the bullet, the headlights again began to operate properly and the two men proceeded toward the White River bridge. After traveling about 20 miles and just before crossing the river, the bullet apparently overheated, discharged and struck Poole in the right testicle. The vehicle swerved sharply right exiting the pavement and striking a tree. Poole suffered only minor cuts and abrasions from the
accident, but will require surgery to repair the other wound.
Wallis sustained a broken clavicle and was treated and released. Thank God we werent on that bridge when Thurston shot his balls off or we might both be dead, stated Wallis. Ive been a trooper for ten years in this part of the world, but this is a first for me. I cant believe that those two would admit how this accident happened, said Snyder. Upon being notified of the wreck, Lavinia, Pooles wife asked how many frogs the boys had caught and did anyone get them from the truck.
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