LANG LAGGENDE GRAPPIES:
FARMERS:
A Welshman an Englishman and a Irishman were being chased by Farmer Giles with a shotgun. After 10 minutes of running they spotted a barn and ran inside. Once inside they each hid in a old sack against the barn wall. The farmer went into the barn but did not see where they went, he was about to turn back when he saw three suspicious looking sacks. He walked forward and prodded the first sack with his gun. The Englishman inside said: Meow Just cats, he thought He then prodded the second sack. The Welshman, hearing how the Englishman got off said:woof. Just dogs, he thought. As he walked towards the last sack, the Irishman worked out what he was going to say. As soon as the farmer prodded his sack he said: potatoes!.

COLUMBIA:

What is the difference between McDonalds and the Space Shuttle Columbia? Nothing - they are both all over America.

What does NASA stand for? Not ANOTHER seven astronauts!
Why do they drink Sprite at NASA? Because they cant get 7 - up.

Where were the astronauts planning on vacationing this year? All over Texas and Louisiana.

The problem with the shuttle was caused by the same cause as everything else thats wrong in this country - the LEFT WING Top of Form

2 STRANGERS:
Two strangers are sitting in adjacent seats in an airplane. One guy says to the other, Lets talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, What would you like to discuss? The first guy says, Oh, I dont know; how about Nuclear Power? The other guy says, OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first: A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that? The first guy says, I dont now. The other guy says, Oh? Well then, do you really think youre qualified discuss Nuclear Power when you dont know shit?

JOKE:
Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clones language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff. A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled You are under arrest! You are under arrest! What for? the mad scientist asked.
And the policemans answer was: For making an obscene clone fall.

WOMAN:
A very attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant. She gestures to a man behind the counter, who, after viewing her assets, comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which slowly turns red. Are you the owner? she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands. Actually, no, he replies. Im the manager. Can you get the owner for me? I need to speak to him, she says, running her hands up beyond his ears and through his hair. Im afraid I cant, breathes the manager. He is not in today. Is there anything I can do for you? Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message, she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. Tell him, she says, that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room.

GENIET DIE BRIEFIE:
Liewe Pa en Ma:
Dit voel glad nie soos 'n week wat julle al weg is nie, want ek en Jannie geniet ons baie. Ek het eintlik vir Pa baie slegte nuus. Ou Anna wat in die huis sou ingeslaap het terwyl Pa hulle oorsee is, se Tannie is dood en ek het toe maar vir haar gese sy kan die hele tyd wat pa hulle oorsee is by haar familie in Soweto kuier. Dalk het Pa
haar Tannie geken en is ek nou die een wat die slegte nuus moet oordra. Pa en Ma moet nou nie oor ons worry nie want ons is OK. Ek het Pa se kruisboog uitgehaal so ons kan onsself verdedig. Jis maar die ding skiet hê? Ons het cowboys en kroeks gespeel toe skiet ek na daai ou bank van Ma wat oumagrootjie nog vir haar gegee het.
Die pyl gaan deur hom. Die Dokter wat vir Jannie steke in sy boud ingesit het, het gesê ons moet dit liewers nie meer doen nie. Ek het toe maar die bank vir die mense
gegee wat die vuilgoed wegry want ons moes hom stukkend sny om die pyl uit te kry. Gelukkig was dit die oue wat Ma altyd sê kom van Napoleon se tyd af. Pa, ek het toe daardie stellasie wat aan die dak van die garage hang wat Pa altyd bang was val op die kar, vir Pa afgehaal. Ek weet Pa dink nou dit het bo op die Ferrari geval, maar dit het nie want ek het gedink dit sou 'n helse skade wees en toe trek ek en Jannie hom eers
uit. Ongelukkig het die rak toe geval maar net op die vloer en van die blikke verf het toe uitgespat en geloop. Van dit het teen Ma se nuwe BMW geval maar ons het dit dadelik met paintremover afgehaal. Ek weet nie hoekom nie maar dit het meer verf afgehaal as wat gespat het. Ek het Pa se kar toe weer ingetrek, maar die vloer was toe baie glad van die verf en toe wil hy nie gou genoeg stop nie en nou staan n gedeelte van sy bonnet in die kombuis waar die stoof gestaan het. Die stoof is nou naby die yskaste waaroor Ma dalk bly gaan wees want sy sê mos altyd sy loop haar dood tussen die stoof en yskas. Die kar se boot lyk nog mooi. Ons het gister vir ons lekker vleis in die kaggel gebraai want dit het gereent buite en die hout was ook alles nat. Jis, het Pa geweet petrol ontplof as jy n blik vol oor die hout gooi. Pa s'n het nog nooit
ontplof nie maar Jannie se hy dink Pa gooi diesel oor. Shame, die hond en Ma se Persiese kat het groot geskrik en die hele TV kabinet omgehardloop. Daai noodhulp lesse het nogal goed te pas gekom want ek het hulle dadelik in die jaccuzi gegooi om die vlamme dood te maak. Ek dink hulle hou meer daarvan in die hitte noudat hulle nie meer hare het nie. Pa moenie worry oordat ons nie kan TV kyk nie, ons slaap nou
sommer in julle kamer en kyk daar. Die kaggel lyk nou kaal oor die Persiese mat wat nie meer daar is nie. Pa en Ma moet julle nou oor niks bekommer nie. Ek het die versekering gebel en hulle het al kom kyk na dit wat gebeur het. Hulle sal dit seker binnekort kom regmaak omdat Pa dit gereeld betaal het want die ou wat hier was het gepraat van repireer oor nodige voorsorg wat Pa getref het. Ek dink nie die ou wat hier was van die versekering kan spel nie want in die brief staan repudieer weens nodige voorsorg. Nou ja, ek is moeg geskryf en ons wil nog gaan kyk of ons nie die
molle wat besig is in die tuin kan gaan uitrook nie. Geniet die vyf weke wat julle nog oorsee is en ek skryf volgende week weer.
Liefde
Pietie

CRICKET:
A South African was sitting with an Aussie and an Englishman in Saudi
Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden the
Police entered and arrested them. They were initially given the death
Sentence but contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. But as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after each receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were pre paring for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: Its my first wifes birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish
before your whipping, but you can not wish to not be whipped! The Englishman thought for a second then said: Please tie a pillow to my back before whipping. This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Englishman cried in pain. The Aussie saw this and said: Please tie 2 pillows to my back before
whipping. This was done and lasted for the whole 20 lashes. The Aussie stood up smiling. The South African saw this but before he could make his wish, the Sheikh said: As you are from South Africa with all that crime, a cricket team who is always losing in a final and a rugby team who cant win anything, you are permitted to have two wishes! The South African thought for a second then said: Thank you most Royal and Merciful Highness. My first wish is to receive a hundred lashes with the strongest, toughest whip available. If you so desire, the Sheikh replies with a questioning look on his face, and your second wish? Tie the Aussie to my back!

DRUG NAMES:
All drugs have a generic name. Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been searching for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on Mydixadud. Also considered were: Mycoxafloppin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Mycoxafailin, and Alimpdixafixit. And of course, Ibepokin.

S.A IN THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS:
You know youre in a South African summer when. The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance. Hot water now comes out of both taps. You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron. The temperature drops below 35 degrees and you feel a little chilly. You discover that in February it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car. You develop a fear of metal car door handles. You break a sweat the instant you step outside at 06:30am Your biggest bicycle - accident fear is, What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death? You realize that asphalt has a liquid state. Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard - boiled eggs. The cows are giving evaporated milk. The trees are whistling for the dogs.

MEXICANS:
This story happened about a month ago in a little town in Mexico, and even when it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale its real. This guy was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no car went by, the storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car coming towards him and stop. The guy without thinking
about it got in the car closes the door just to realize theres nobody behind the wheel. The car starts slowly, the guy looks at the road and sees a curve coming his way, scared he starts to pray begging for his life. He hasnt come out of shock, when just before he hits the curve, a hand appears through the window and moves the wheel. The guy paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appears every time they are before a curve. The guy gathering strength gets out of the car and runs to the nearest town. Wet and in shock goes to a cantina and asks for two shots of tequila, and starts telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped every body when they realize the guy was crying and wasnt drunk. About half an hour later two guys walked in the same cantina and one said to the other Look Pepe, thats the asshole that got in the car when we were pushing it.

POINTS TO PONDER:

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was the man and I didnt!
2. I dont suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.
3. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
4. Some people are alive only because its illegal to kill them.
5. Youre just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
6. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
7. I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather - not screaming and yelling like
the passengers in his car.
8. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up
9. STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!
10. DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music
11. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken
12. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead
13. HAM AND EGGS - A days work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
14. The trouble with life is theres no background music

THE POPE:
After getting all Pope John - Paul IIs luggage loaded in the limo and His Holiness doesnt travel light, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb Excuse me, Your Eminence, says the driver, Would you please take your seat so we can leave? Well, to tell you the truth, says the Pope, They never let me drive at the Vatican, and Id really like to drive today. Im sorry but I cannot let you do that. Id lose my job! And what if something should happen? Protests the driver, wishing hed never gone to work that morning. There might be something extra in it for you, says the Pope. Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Supreme Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105mph Please slow down, Your Holiness! pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens. Oh,wonderful. Now Im really gonna lose my license, moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the patrolman approaches,but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. I need to talk to the Chief, he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that hes stopped a limo going a hundred and five.So bust him, said the Chief.
I dont think we want to do that - hes really important, said the cop. All the more reason. No, I mean really important, said the cop. Whatd ya got there, the Mayor? Bigger. The Governor? Bigger. Well, said the Chief, Who is it? I think its God! What makes you think its God? Well, Hes got the Pope driving for Him!

MUSLIM:
Everyone seems to be wondering why Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Lets see now: No beer, No bars, No radio, No television, No Playboy or Penthouse, No Teasers, No cricket, No rugby, No football, No basketball, No baseball, No golf, No dancing, No music, No bikinis on the beach, No nude beaches No summer mini skirts and braless beauties, No BBQ pork, No Ham, No bacon No hot dogs, No burgers, No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen seafood sticks, No Christmas. Rags for clothes and towels for hats, Constant wailing from the guy next door because hes sick and there are no doctors, Constant wailing from the guy in the tower, You cant shave, Your wife cant shave, You cant shave
your wife, Sand is everywhere, Sand gets into everything, You wipe your back side with your left hand without toilet paper, You cant shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung. The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times, Your bride is picked by someone else, She smells just like your donkey, and Your donkey has a better disposition. Then your leaders tell you that when you die, you get the 27 virgins and it all gets better! Nope no mystery here!

SECRECTS TO A HAPPY LIFE:
1. It is important to find a man who loves only you.
2. It is important to find a man who cooks and cleans.
3. It is important to find a man who makes good money.
4. It is important to find a man who is sensitive and understanding.
5. It is important to find a man who loves to dance with only you.
6. It is extremely important that these five men never meet.

CINDERELLA:
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan. One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years? The Fairy Godmother replied, Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns? Cinderella was overjoyed. I wish I was extremely wealthy, she said. Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear. Oh thank you Fairy
Godmother, said Cinderella. Is there anything else you might wish for, asked the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella looked down at her frail
body, and said, I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had. At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt a feeling inside her that she had not felt for years. The Fairy Godmother said, you have one wish remaining, what shall you have? Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, I wish you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man. Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood young man with the looks and body that no other man could match. The Fairy Godmother again spoke Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life, and with
that she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each others eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the moststunning, perfect man she had ever seen. Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath, bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, dont you?

CONVERSATION:
Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the first guy turned to the second and said, Lets talk. Ive heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. The second guy, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, took off his glasses and said to the first guy, What would you like to discuss? Oh, I dont know, said the first guy. How about nuclear power? OK, said the second guy. That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is? Jeez, said the first guy. I have no idea. Well, then, said the second guy, How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you dont know shit?

Twee pas getroude vrouens praat oor voorbehoeding. Watter vorm van voorbehoeding gebruik julle? wou een weet. Die emmer en piering metode kom die antwoord. Nou wat is dit? Maklik. Jy sien my man is maar n kort kereltjie. As hy die behoefte het dan doen ons dit terwyl hy op n emmer staan om mooi by te kom. Ek hou hom dan fyn dop en sodra sy oe so groot soos pierings word, dan skop ek net die emmer onder hom uit!

AMISH BOY:
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two
shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back To gether again. The boy asked, What is this, Father? The father never having seen an elevator responded, Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I dont know what it is. While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24 year old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son Go get your mother.

EXCELLENT:
A woman was sitting at a bar, enjoying an after work drink with her girlfriends, when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,
young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him. The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, Ill do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for R20 - on one condition. Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words. The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed from her purse a R20 note, which she pressed into the young mans hand, along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes and slowly, meaningfully
whispered, Clean my house.

VERKOOP HOM BOETIE:
Piet kry werk as winkelklerk. n Klant kom in en vra vir n blik pruimkonfyt. Piet kyk rond maar kan nie pruimkonfyt kry nie. Jammer, mevrou, maar ons het nie pruim konfyt nie. Toe die dame uitstap, roep die baas vir piet nader. Dis mos nie die manier waarop n mens goed verkoop nie, beduie hy. As daar nie pruimkonfyt is nie, dan se jy: Jammer, mevrou, die pruimkonfyt is op, maar ons het pas nuwe voorrade druiwe- appelkoos - en vyekonfyt gekry. Wil u nie daarvan probeer nie? Verstaan jy? Ja, meneer. n Rukkie later stap n man die winkel binne en vra vir toiletpapier. Piet soek, maar kan niks kry nie. Jammer, meneer, maar ons toiletpapier is op. Ons het wel deur slagpapier, skuurpapier en konfetti. Wil u nie daarvan probeer nie?

10 EENVOUDIGE REELS AS JY MET MY DOGTER WIL UITGAAN:
REEL 1:
As jy langs die huis stilhou en toet, beter jy n pakkie aflewer, want jy gaan beslis niks hier optel nie.

REEL 2:
Moenie voor my aan my dogter raak nie. Jy mag na haar kyk, solank jy na niks onder haar nek kyk nie. As jy nie jou oe of jou hande van my dogter se liggaam kan afhou nie, sal ek hulle vir jou verwyder.

REEL 3:
Ek is bewus daarvan dat dit die in - ding is vir outjies van jou ouderdom om broeke te dra wat lyk of dit van julle heupe afval. Moet dit asseblief nie as n belediging beskou nie, maar jy en al jou vriende is totale idiote. Ek wil egter graag regverdig wees oor die saak, so ek sal die volgende ooreenkoms met jou aangaan: Jy mag by my voordeur aankom met jou broek tien groottes te groot en jou onderklere wat wys, en ek sal nie kla nie. Maar om te voorkom dat die klere nie afval in die loop van jou afspraak met my dogter nie, sal ek dit met n elektriese spykergeweer veilig aan jou middel vassol deer.

REEL 4:
Ek is seker as jongmens het jy al gehoor mens het nie deesdae seks sonder om n hindernismetode te gebruik nie. So laat ek bietjie daarop uitwei, in hierdie geval is ek die hindernis en ek sal jou doodmaak.

REEL 5:
Dit is blykbaar so dat ons in ons poging om mekaar te leer ken, oor sport, politiek en ander sake van die dag moet gesels. Moet dit asseblief nie doen nie. Die enigste inligting wat ek van jou nodig het, is n aanduiding van presies hoe laat jy my dogter terug by die huis gaan he, en die enigste woord wat ek van jou oor dié onderwerp wil hoor, is vroeg.

REEL 6:
Ek twyfel nie daaraan dat jy n gewilde man is nie – en dat jy met baie ander meisies kan uitgaan. Solank my dogter hiermee saamstem, is dit in orde met my. Andersins sal jy, as jy een keer met haar uitgegaan het, aangaan om met haar uit te gaan totdat sy klaar is met jou. As jy haar laat huil, gaan ek jou laat huil.

Reel 7:
As jy in die voorportaal vir my dogter staan en wag, en meer as n uur gaan verby, moenie koorsig en rusteloos raak nie. As jy betyds wil wees vir die fliek, moet jy nie vas uitgaan nie. My dogter is besig om haar grimering aan te sit, n proses wat langer kan vat as die padverbouings tussen Johannesburg en Pretoria. In plaas daarvan om net daar te staan en jou oe rond te rol, hoekom doen jy nie iets nuttigs nie, soos om die olie in my motor om te ruil?
REEL 8:
Die volgende plekke is nie geskik vir n afspraak met my dogter nie: Plekke waar daar beddens, sofas, of enigiets sagter as n houtstoel is. Plekke waar geen ouers, lede van die polisie of nonne binne spoegafstand is nie. Plekke waar dit donker is. Plekke waar mense dans, hande vashou of enigsins gelukkig is. Plekke waar die temperatuur warm genoeg is om my dogter in die versoeking te bring om kortbroekies, kaalmidrif-hempies of enigiets anders as oorpakke en toegeritste, opgestopte baadjies te dra. Flieks met n sterk romantiese of seksuele tema moet vermy word, flieks vol ketting saag - beheptes is OK. Hokkiewedstryde is OK. Ouetehuise is nog beter.

REEL 9:
Moenie vir my lieg nie. Ek lyk miskien vir jou na n ou ballie met n boep en n bles wat beter dae geken het. Maar wanneer dit kom by my dogter, is ek n alwetende genade lose god van wraak. As ek vir jou vra waarheen jy gaan en saam met wie, het jy een kans om vir my die waarheid, die hele waarheid en niks anders as die waarheid te vertel nie. Ek het n haelgeweer, n graaf en vyf hektaar agter die huis. Jy het n loef wat ek graag wil afsteek. Moenie moeilikheid soek met my nie.

REEL 10:
Wees bang. Wees baie, baie bang. Dit vat nie veel voor ek die geluid van jou motor voor die huis verwar met n helikopter wat oor die Caprivi vlieg nie. Wanneer die wraakensieme in my bloed begin kook, vertel die stemme in my kop vir my ek moet die gewere begin skoonmaak terwyl ek wag dat jy my dogter huis toe bring. Sodra ek hoor jou skedonk hou voor die huis stil, moet jy uitklim met albei hande in die lug. Spreek die wagwoord, en se vir my mooi helder en duidelik dat jy my dogter veilig en vroeg huis toe gebring het. Gaan dan terug na jou motor toe – daar is geen rede hoekom jy moet inkom nie. Die gekamoefleerde gesig by die venster is myne.

VAN DER MERWE:
Van der Merwe had been in the business world for 25 years and finally got sick of the stress. So he quit his job and bought 50 acres of land in the Karoo as far from humanity as possible. He only sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise its total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a huge, bearded man standing there. Names Retief, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to stop by about 5 p.m. Great, said Van, after six months out here Im ready to meet some local folks. Thank you. As Retief is leaving, he stops, I better warn you theres gonna be some mean drinking. Not a problem, said Van. After 25 years en tertaining clients, I can drink with the best of them. Again, as he starts to leave, Retief stops, More than likely going to be some rowdy fighting too. Van said, Well, I get along pretty well with people, but Im sure I can hold my own, so count me in. Once again Retief turns from the door, stops and turns back, More than likely going to be some wild sex, too. Now thats really not a problem, said Van, warming to the idea. Ive been all alone for six months! Ill definitely be there. By the way, how should I dress? Retief stops in the door again and says, Wear whatever you want. Just going to be the two of us.

CHINESE VS JEWISH GUY:
From New Delhi to Bombay came a very dirty train. The train
had many animals in the corridors, and many people eating
and making more garbage. In one cabin, there were a Chinese
man and a Jewish man sitting one in front of the other. Suddenly a fly alit on the Chinese mans head, and using his kung fu, he hypnotized the fly only with his eyes. Then he took the fly, opened his mouth, looked at the Jewish man, and ate it. Five minutes later came another fly, and the Chinese guy did the same thing. The next fly landed, this time on the Jewishs mans head. He did the same thing; with his eyes he hypnotized the fly, took it, opened his mouth, looked at the Chinese guy, and asked, Do you want to buy it?

INTERNET:
Die jong dame en haar vriend het jare lank gekorrespondeer en diep Verlief geraak sonder om mekaar ooit te ontmoet. Maar eendag vra die Vriend die jawoord, en hulle haak af en vertrek op hul wittebrood. N Week later ontvang die moeder van die bruid n traanbedrupte brief: Moeder, ek is diep geskok. Ek het op ons huweliksnag ontdek Jan het net een voet. Ma is nie links nie en skryf terug: Ek weet nie hoekom jy kla nie, jou pa het net drie duim.

OUMENSE:
Die twee oumense het besluit om vir mekaar grafstene te laat maak. Maar die een weet nie wat die ander in gedagte het nie. Op n dag gaan Soek die tannie iets in die pakkamer, en daar kom sy af op haar grafsteen met die verdoemende woorde Yskoud soos Altyd. Sy is woedend en besluit net daar om sy grafskrif te laat verander. Twee weke later klop die ou oom skielik af, en hy word te ruste gele onder 'n steen wat se: Uiteindelik stofstyf!

KLEINTJIES SE ANTWOORDE:
Juffrou besluit eendag dat haar klas bietjie meer oor waardevolle rou
materiale moet leer. Sy gaan staan voor in die klas: Kinders, as julle nou n waardevolle metaal kon kry, wat sal julle vat? Stefan steek sy hand op: Juffrou, ek sal goud vat, want goud is baie werd en dan sal ek vir myself n Mercedes koop. Juffrou knik haar kop en vra Sannie wat sy sou vat. Ek sal platinum vat, want dis meer werd as goud en sal ek n Porche koop. Juffrou glimlag en vir Driesie wat sy keuse sou wees. Ek sal silicon wil he. Hoekom silicon, Driesie? vra juffrou. Se Driesie toe: Want my ma het silicon en daar staan altyd n klomp kwaai sportskarre buite ons voordeur.

IRISHMAN:
A good Irishman, John OReilly, met regularly with his toastmasters club. One evening they were hitting the Guinness Stout and having a contest as to who could make the best toast. John OReilly hoisted his beer and said, Here to spending the rest of me life, Between the legs of me wife! That won him top prize for the best toast of the night. He went home and told his wife, Mary, he won the prize for the best toast of the night. She said, Aye, and what was your toast? John replied, Heres to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife! Oh, that is very nice indeed, John! Mary said. The next day Mary ran into one of Johns toasting buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, Did you know that John won the prize the other night with a toast about you, Mary? She said, Aye, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, hes only been there twice! Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come!

UUH:
The local District Judge had given the defendant a lecture on the evils of drink. But in view of the fact that this was the first time the man had been drunk and incapable, the case was dismissed on payment of ten shillings costs. Now dont let me ever see your face again, said the Justice sternly as the defendant turned to go. Im afraid I cant promise that, sir, said the released man. And why not? Because Im the barman at your regular pub!

GOLF:
A man goes to his golf club and, hearing that his regular caddy will not be in that day, hires another caddy. The day goes along pretty well and the new caddy seems quite knowledgeable. Upon arriving at the 9th fairway, that has always been particularly tricky for the golfer, the man turns to the boy and asks, Which club do you think I should use for this shot? The caddy says, Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club for this fairway is the five iron. The golfer gets out his five iron, lines up his shot, and hits the ball. He smacks it really hard and it veers way off to the right where his wife happens to be standing. It hits her in the head and she is killed instantly. Months go by after his wifes funeral, and the man still cant think about golf. But after a year, he thinks, I really loved the game. I shouldnt let it go out of my life. It was a freak accident. The game gave me such joy, I should at least try to play once more and see how it feels. He goes back to the golf course, and as luck would have it, he gets the same caddy as last time. When they get to the 9 th fairway, he turns to his caddy and says, Which club do you think I should use? The caddy says, Sir, I know this golf course very well. The best club for this fairway is the five iron. The man turns to the caddy and shouts, You idiot! I played here a year ago and you told me to use the five iron and I completely missed the green!

1 x per jaar kom 'n engelkie van vriendskap en tik 2 mense op die kop wat maatjies moet wees. Ek hoop sy slaat jou laaits out.

I send our photo to Ripleys Believe it or not. They send it back, because they cant believe it either.

MARRIED:
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesnt.
A man marries a woman expecting that she will not change, and
she does.

HOW WOMAN THINK ABOUT SEX?
AT 8-IGNORE IT
18 EXPIERIENCE IT
28-LOOK FOR IT
38-ASK FOR IT
48-BEG FOR IT
58-PAY FOR IT
68-PRAY FOR IT
78-FORGET IT.

GROOT WORD:
A kid goes up to his father and says, Hey, Pop, know how old I am today? His father says, No, how old? He says, Im eleven! He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today? She says, Come closer. She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear. She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, Youre eleven. He says, How could you tell? She says, I heard you tell your father.

COWBOY:
More than anything, a young man from the city wanted to be a cowboy. Eventually he found a rancher who took pity on him and gave the lad a chance. This, he said, showing him a rope, is a lariat. We use it to catch cows. I see, said the man, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the lariat. And what do you use for bait? Sir, your daughter says she loves me, and she cant live without me, and she wants to marry me. And youre asking my permission to marry her? No, Im asking you to make her leave me alone.

JANNIE:
Jannie walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave. Scuse me, said a customer, who was puzzled over what Jannie had done. What was that all about? Nothing, said the Irishman, my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives.

GLASS:
How do you know if a glass is half full or half empty?
Depends on if you are drinking or pouring.

HONEYMOON:
There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off. The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only 20 cents. He asks the shop owner to sell him only one of the condoms and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted. The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each. So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so ex hausted that she fell asleep immediately. When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic but she the roughly enjoyed the session. A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. Papa, why am I black and you are white? The father shouted, You are damn lucky! 5 cents more and you would have been purple.

BIN LADEN:
Southern Terrorist Advisory Alert. The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Oklahoma, Georgia, and Mississippi announced to day that they have made a disturbing discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda terrorists have become roman tically involved with local redneck girls. The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas! So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but the Office of Homeland Security is hard at work trying to isolate and seal them off. To date, the Office has identified the following children:
Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinin Boudit
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbenna Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat
Not suprisingly, the Office of Homeland Security believes they all seem to have sprung from one couple: Mohammed Whoozyadaddi and Yomamma Bin Lovin.

VADERS:
A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A nurse beckoned to one of them and said, Congratulations, you have a son!Another man dropped his magazine, jumped up and cried, Hey,
whats the idea? I got here two hours before he did!

PORRAS:
A married PORRA was visiting his girlfriend when she requested that he shave
his beard. Oh Gerardo, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face. Gerardo replied, My wife loves this beard, I couldnt possibly do it, she would kill me! Oh please? the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. Oh really, I cant! he replies.My wife loves this beard! The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in, goes into the washroom and shaves. That night Gerardo crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies. Oh A Spies , you shouldnt be here, my husband will be home soon!

BERIG UIT ZIM:
Diewe het verlede week in die sentrale bank ingebreek en een miljoen
Zim Dollars uit die bank gesteel. Polisie kon tot dusver nog nie vasstel wat die motief vir die inbraak was nie.

VAN DER MERWE:
Van der Merwe had never been out of South Africa before and was visiting Bondi Beach, Australia. He spotted a long line of black dots out in the water and said to an Aussie, who was sitting close by, What are all those little black things out there? They re buoys, said the Aussie. Boys! replied Van der Merwe. What are they doing out there? Holding up the shark nets, the Aussie told him. Great country this! said the South African, deeply impressed. We d never get away with that at home!

BLONDS:
Die blondine gaan universiteit toe en skryf haar eerste toets. Dis n ja / nee - tipe toets, maar sy kom gou agter dat selfs dit bo haar Vuurmaakplek is. Uiteindelik bring sy maar n muntstuk te voorskyn en gooi dit op vir elke antwoord: kop = ja, stert = nee. Sy is voor die ander studente klaar. Toe begin sy weer teen n woeste spoed die muntstuk opgooi. Die toesighouer kan dit nou nie meer uithou nie en gaan vra vir haar wat sy nou doen. Ek check net gou my antwoorde, se die blondine.

DATING:
I know a girl who is dating two guys named Ed at the same time. Her rationale is that two Eds are better than one. I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasnt it. Bill and his fiancee Mary met with the to discuss their marriage vows. Pastor, said Mary, I wonder if we could make a change in the wording of our ceremony. Yes, Mary, replied the pastor, it is sometimes done. What do you have in mind? Well, said Mary, Id like to alter the until death do us part section to read, Substantial penalty for early withdrawal.

THE GOOD, BAD AND UGLY:
Good - Your wife is pregnant.
Bad - Its triplets.
Ugly - You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good - Your wifes not talking to you.
Bad - She wants a divorce.
Ugly - Shes a lawyer.

Good - Your son is finally maturing.
Bad - Hes involved with the women next door.
Ugly - So are you.

Good - Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad - You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly - Youre in them.

Good - Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad - You cant find your birth control pills.
Ugly - Your daughter borrowed them.

Good - Your husband understands fashion.
Bad - Hes a cross - dresser.
Ugly - He looks better than you.

Good - You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad - She keeps interrupting.
Ugly - With corrections.

Good - Your son is dating someone new.
Bad - Its another man.
Ugly - Hes your best friend.

Good - Your daughter got a new job.
Bad - As a hooker.
Ugly - Your co - workers are her best clients.
Way ugly - She makes more money than you do.

MAN VS VROU:
n Man in n lugballon besef hy het verdwaal. Hy daal toe laer en sien n vrou daar onder raak. Hy sak toe n bietjie laer en skreeu vir haar: Skuustog! Kan jy asb help? Ek het n vriend belowe ek sou hom oor n uur ontmoet maar ek ek weet nou nie waar ek is nie!Die vrou op die grond antwoord: Jy is in n lugballon, so 10 meter bo die grond en jy is tussen 40 en 41 breedtegraad Noord en tussen 59 en 60 lengtegraad Wes.Jy is sekerlik n Ingenieur! se die man in die ballon. Ja ek is, laat weet die vrou, Hoe het jy geweet? Wel, antwoord die man, Als wat jy my vertel het is tegnies korrek maar ek weet nie wat om van jou informasie te maak nie. Inteendeel ek is nog steeds verdwaal. En jy was nie veel van n hulp nie. Om die waarheid te se, jy het eintlik my reis vertraag! Hierop antwoord die vrou, Jy is sekerlik in bestuur! Ek is! antwoord die man in die ballon, Hoe het jy geweet? Wel, se die vrou, Jy weet nie waar jy is of waarheen jy op pad is nie. Jy het gestyg tot waar jy nou is dmv n klomp warm lug, n belofte gemaak wat jy nie n idee het van hoe jy dit gaan hou nie. Jy verwag mense onder jou gaan jou probleme vir jou oplos. Feit is, jy is in presies dieselfde situasie as wat jy was voor ons ontmoet het, maar nou is dit skielik my fout!

THE LEPRECHAUN:
This is an Irish joke. All the quotes must be pronounced in Irish accent. This man walks into the pub and has a few beers. As the rule of drinking states he soon have to go to the bath room. As he walks into the bathroom to do his thing, he sees a short little man at the urinal next to the one he wants to use. As he starts with his business he glances over and sees the biggest manly tool he ever saw in his life. Amazed by the size of the small mans tool he cant help to say what he thinks. How on earth did you manage to get such a big tool? How old are you? replies the small man. 36. I'm a leprechaun. O, I see, the man says feeling a lot better since the small man is not normal thus making him incomparable. He finishes his business, pull up his pants and as he walks out the toilet a brain wave hits. He runs back into the bathroom. Wait a minute! If you re a leprechaun, Im supposed to get a wish! Yes, that right. Thanks. I wish that my tool will start to grow and get as large as yours! Aaa. This is a big and difficult wish. You ll have to make some sacrifices for your wish to come true. Anything! I ll do anything. Okay then. Take off your pants, bent over and take it from be hind. You need to know what you ll be doing to the women out there. The man thinks about this for a while and decides it will be worth it. He takes off his pants and bent over. This time its the small man who finishes his business, pull up his pants and walk out the toilet. As he walks out, the man shouts from behind: Wait! Wait! Wheres my wish? 36 and you still believe in leprechauns.

What kind of coffee did they serve on the Titanic?
Sanka

What would you get if you crossed a sherrif with a canary?
Wyatt Chirp

Wat doen jy as jy in motor ry teen 150km n uur en daar is n babatjie 10m voor in die pad?
Begin maar die ruitveers

Wat het vier blondines in gemeen?
Niks waaraan hulle kan dink nie.

Hoe hou jy n blondine ure lank besig?
Gee vir haar n papier met die woorde blaai om asseblief op albei kante geskryf.

Hoe weet jy watter een is die blondine by die begrafnis?
Die een wat sing: lank sal hy lewe.

n Blondine skakel die lughawe en vra Hoe lank neem n vlug vanaf Kaapstad na Londen?. Net n minuut. antwoord die besige ontvangsdame aan die ander kant. Dankie se die blondine en plaas die gehoorstuk neer.

Waarom hou die blondine n lee melkbottel in haar yskas?
Vir mense wat van swart koffie hou.

n Bufferplakker op n boer se bakkie:
My hart is in die boerdery. My agterent is in die skuld.

Regter: Hoe kan jy onskuldig pleit as 5 persone jou sien steel het?
Gammat: Djou Honour, ek kan thousands mense bring wat my nie gesien
Steel het nie.

Hoekom neem Kubaanse atlete nie aan roei - items deel nie?
Alle Kubane wat kan roei woon reeds in Amerika.

Wanneer weet jy het die Rand werklik sy waarde verloor?
Wanneer die prostitute begin vas uitgaan.

Wat noem jy 'n boemerang wat nie wil werk nie?
n Stok.

Wat is die beste vorm van geboortebeperking na 60?
Naaktheid.

Hoekom gaan n blondine op Die Pil?
Sodat sy kan weet watter dag van die week dit is.

Het jy geweet daars n vereniging vir blondines gestig?
Hulle noem dit die Ama – dom - dom.

Hoekom het blondines deurskynende kosblikke?
Sodat hulle kan weet of hulle werk toe gaan of huis toe.

Waarom het die blondine Omo gedrink?
Op die houer staan: MET NUWE VERBETERDE VETVERWYDERAAR.

VAN:
Van wanted a new TV, so he went to a TV shop. The salesman asked him what he wanted and he said a new TV. The salesman said Ive got the latest for you, no remote, all you do is talk to it.And he asked Van to try. Van looked at the TV and said, CNN! and suddenly CNN came onto the screen. He then said E - TV! and E - TV came on. Van thinks this is terrific and asked the salesman, How much does it cost? Only R100,000-00 came the reply. Van was totally shocked an shrieked, KAAAAAAAK! and the highlights of the last three Springbok rugby matches came on!

JA WEL:
Sipho bought a donkey from Bongani for R500 and asked him to deliver It the next day. So, the next day Bongani showed up on Siphos doorstep. Sorry, Sipho, he said, but the donkey died last night. OK, said Sipho, then just give me back my R500. Sorry, Ive already spent it, said Bongani. Damn! Well, OK then, bring me the dead donkey, said Sipho. And the next morning the carcass of the donkey was offloaded at Siphos house. A fortnight later, Bongani bumped into Sipho and asked him what he had done with the dead donkey. Oh, I raffled it, said Sipho. I sold 251 tickets at R5 and made a
profit of R850! I just didnt tell anyone that it was dead. But didnt people complain? asked Bongani in amazement. Only the guy who won, said Sipho, so I
gave him his R5 back. Sipho went on to become Minister of Finance.

DRAG QUEENS:
Two drag queens at a fairground see the Big Wheel. One wants a go, but his boyfriend is too scared, so he just stays on the ground and watches. Shortly after the ride has got under way there is a huge creak, then the whole Big Wheel collapses and falls to the ground. Scrambling through the twisted wreckage the panic stricken spectator eventually finds his
boyfriend in the carnage. Are you hurt? he shouts. Hurt? Hurt? Of course Im hurt! I went round twice and you only waved once!

TEN OF THE MOST IDIOTIC QUOTES EVER:
1. Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

2. Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I cant help but cry. I mean Id love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff. Mariah Carey

3. Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can''t remember what they are. Matt Lauer on NBC''s Today Show

4. Smoking kills. If you 're killed, you ve lost a very important part of your life. Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti - smoking campaign.

5. Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

6. We re going to turn this team around 360 degrees. Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

7. China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese. Former French President Charles De Gaulle

8. We dont necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people. Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor

9. I dont feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves. John Wayne

10. We ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need? Lee Iacocca

Wat is die verskil tussen n emigrant en n vlugteling?
Tydsberekening.

Wat is die ooreenkoms tussen n vrou en 'n vliegtuig?
Albei beteken niks op die aarde nie.

Daar is nou n swart karaktertjie in die TV – animasieprogram Pokemon:
Sy naam is Filemon.


KLEIN KINDERS:
A young boy was in the shower with his grandfather and asked him if Grandma looked like them between her legs. Grandpa said, No sonny. When she was young it looked like a Georgia peach with fuzz on it. Now it looks like a cow turd that a wagon wheel has run through.

BLOND VS DOCTOR:
A beautiful blonde went to a doctor and asked for a check up. The doctor claimed that he had to use a thermometer for the check up. So the doctor asked her, Where shall I put the thermometer? The girl replied, Uh not in my mouth, Doc. I might swallow it. Okay lets try your armpit, the doctor sug gested. Well, it might tickle me, Doc. How about my butt? the girl queried. Okay then, so he put the thing in the girls butt. Later, the girl while giggling exclaimed, Thats not my butt, Doc! The doctor replied, Thats okay dear its not the ther mometer, either.

CHRISTMAS THE ITALIAN STYLE:
I thought it would be a nice idea to bring a date to my parents house on Christmas Eve. I thought it would be interesting for a non Italian girl to see how an Italian family spends the holidays. I thought my mother and my date would hit it off like partridges and pear trees. So I was wrong. So sue me. I had only known Karen for 3 weeks when I extended the invitation. I know these family things can be a little weird, I told her, but my folks are great, and we always have a lot of fun on Christmas Eve.

PHONING MOM:
Sounds fine to me, Karen said. I had only known my mother for 25 years when I told her Id be bringing Karen with me. She s a very nice girl and she s really looking forward to meeting all of you. Sounds fine to me, my mother said. And that was that. Two telephone calls. Two sounds fine to me. What more could I want? I should point out, I suppose, that in Italian households, Christmas Eve is the social event of the season an Italian womans raison detre. She cleans. She cooks. She bakes. She orchestrates every minute of the entire evening. Christmas Eve is what Italian women live for. I should also point out, I suppose, that when it comes to the kind of women that make Italian men go nuts, Karen is it. She doesn t clean. She doesn t cook. She doesn t bake. And she has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being. I brought her anyway.
7:00P.M:
We arrive. Karen and I walk in and putter around for half an hour waiting for the other guests to show up. During that half hour, my mother grills Karen like a cheeseburger and cannily determines that Karen does not clean, cook, or bake. My father is equally observant. He pulls me into the living room and notes, She has the largest breasts I have ever seen on a human being.
7:30 P.M:
Others arrive. Uncle Ziti walks in with my Aunt Mafalde, assorted kids, assorted gifts. We sit around the dining room table for antipasto, a symmetrically composed platter of lettuce, roasted peppers, black olives, salami, prosciutto, provolone, and anchovies. When I offer to make Karen s plate she says, Thank you. But none of those things, okay? She points to the anchovies. You don t like an chovies? I ask. I dont like fish, Karen announces to one and all as 67 other varieties of foods that swim are baking, broiling and simmering in the next room. My mother makes the sign of the cross. Things are getting uncomfortable. Aunt Mafalde asks Karen what her family eats on Christmas Eve. Karen says, Knockwurst. My father, who is still staring in a daze at Karens chest, temporarily snaps out of it to murmur, Knockers? My mother kicks him so hard he gets a blood clot. None of this is turning out the way I d hoped.
8:00 P.M:
Second course. The spaghetti and crab sauce is on the way to the table. Karen declines the crab sauce and says she ll make her own with butter and ketchup. My mother asks me to join her in the kitchen. I take my Merry Christmas napkin from my lap, place it on the Merry Christmas tablecloth and walk into the kitchen. I dont want to start any trouble, my mother says calmly, clutching a bottle of ketchup in her hands. But if she pours this on my pasta, Im going to throw acid in her face. Come on, I tell her. Its Christmas. Let her eat what she wants. My mother considers the situation, then nods. As I turn to walk back into the dining room, she grabs my shoulder. Tell me the truth, she says, are you serious with this tramp? She s not a tramp, I reply. And Ive only known her for 3 weeks. Well, it s your life, she tells me, but if you marry her, she ll poison you.
8:30 P.M:
More fish. My stomach is knotted like one of those macrame plant hangers that are always three times larger than the plants they hold. All the women get up to clear away the spaghetti dishes, except for Karen, who, instead, lights a cigarette. Why dont you give them a little hand? I politely suggest. Karen makes a face and walks into the kitchen carrying three forks. Dear, you dont have to do that, my mother tells her, smiling painfully. Oh, okay, Karen says, putting the forks on the sink. As she reenters the dining room, a wine glass flies over her head, and smashes against the wall. From the kitchen, my mother says, Whoops. I vaguely remember that line from Torch Song Trilogy Whoops? No. Whoops is when you fall down an elevator shaft. More fish comes out. After some goading, Karen tries a piece of scungilli, which she describes as slimy, like worms. My mother winces, bites her hand and pounds her chest like one of those old women you always see in the sixth row of a funeral home. Aunt Mafalde does the same. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, bites her hand and pounds her chest. My Uncle Ziti doesnt know what to make of it. My fathers dentures fall out and chew a six inch gash in the tablecloth.
10:00 P.M:
Coffee, dessert. Espresso all around. A little anisette. A curl of lemon peel. When Karen asks for milk, my mother finally slaps her in the face with a cannoli. I guess it had to happen sooner or later. Karen, believing that this is something that all Italian women do on Christmas Eve, picks up a cannoli and slaps my mother with it. This is fun, Karen says. Fun? No. Fun is when you fall down an elevator shaft. But, amazingly, everyone is laughing and smiling and filled with good cheer even my mother, who grabs me by the shoulder, laughs and says, Get this bitch out of my house. Sounds fine to me.

WOMAN:
Last week my wife and I purchased a new computer. We ran into some difficulties while setting it up so we called the customer support phone number we found in the manual. I picked up the phone and called the number. A man answered the phone and I explained the problem to him. He began rattling off computer jargon. This confused us even more. Sir, I said politely, Can you explain what I should do as if I were a small child? Okay, the computer support guy said, Son, could you please put your mommy on the phone?

ONSKULDIG:
Father John Fuzz was a pastor of a small congre gation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The priest thought that this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do. He walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman. Mrs. Fitzgerald, the priest said sternly, this is no place for a member of my congregation. Why dont you let me take you home? Sure, she said with a slur, obviously very drunk. When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The priest realized that she had had to much to drink and grabbed her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After, rolling around for a few seconds, the priest wound up laying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist. The bartender looked over the bar and said, Here, here buddy, we wont have any of that carrying around in this bar! The priest looked up at the bar tender and said, But you dont understand, Im Father Fuzz. The bar tender nodded and said, Hell then, if youre that far in, you might as well finish up!

VAT SO DOKTER:
I was in the waiting room of my doctors office the other day when the doctor started yelling, Typhoid! Tetanus! Measles! I went up to the nurse and asked her what was going on. She told me that the doctor liked to call the shots around here.

SUPERMAN:
Why is Superman stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants.

BATMAN:
Why is Batman more stupid?
Because he wears his underwear over his pants and puts on a belt over his underwear.

GEE DIERE VIR KERSFEES:
One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. How do I get him to sing? The young man asked, excitedly. Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet. Was the shop owners reply. The shop owner held a lighted match under the parrots left foot. Chet began to sing: Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! The shop owner then held another match under the parrots right foot. Then Chets tune changed, and the air was filled with: Silent Night, Holy Night. The young man was so impressed that he paid the shop keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. How beautiful! She exclaimed, Can he talk? No, the young man replied, But he can sing. Let me show you. So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chets left foot, as the shop keeper had shown him, and Chet crooned:Jingle Bells! Jingle bells! The man then moved the lighter to Chets right foot, and out came: Silent Night, Holy night. The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, What if we hold the lighter between his legs? The man did not know. Lets try it, he answered, eager to please his wife. So they held the lighter between Chets legs. Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and the little parrot sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life: Chets nuts roasting on an open fire.

AN 11:
An elf was so paranoid about the size of his dink that he could never work up the courage to have sex. Then, one day he fell in love with an elf nurse. One fine evening, they went back to her place. She put on some soft music and led him into the bedroom. Totally mortified, he told her of his problem. Dont worry, She said. Im a nurse. I wont laugh. Blushing, the man drops his trousers. Its OK, she said. Ive seen lots smaller than that. Really? the relieved elf asked. Yes, she chuckled, I used to work in the maternity unit.

HOENDERFILOSOFIE:
Hoekom is die hoender oor die pad?
Jan F.E. Celliers:
Dis die hoender, dis die pad, dis al.
Eugene Terblanche:
Die hoender is die Afrikanervolk se erfenis. So ook die pad. En iemand moet dit waag om ons daarvan te beroof!
PW Botha:
Dit was nie die pad nie, dit was die Rubicon.
Nataniel:
Ek was vreeslik op my nerves vir sy part tot hy anderkant gekom het. Ek dink dit was stunning !
Naas Botha:
Aan die einde van die dag maak dit nie saak hoeveel keer hy oor die straat is nie.Wat saak maak, is die telbord.
Ferdinand Rabie:
He crossed the road to get to me. Me have also been on the other side. Millions of chickens most supports me. I will sommer kick their wakka wakkas if they dont!
Nelson Mandela:
It was his long walk to freedom. A true Rainbow chicken.
Pieter-Dirk Uys:
Was dit n he chicken or a she chicken? Does it Pik?
Allan Boesak:
How can the motives of a chicken who had done so much for chickenhood be questioned? It must have struggled to cross the road.
Dullah Omar:
Ek is seker die hoeder is onskuldig. Hy doen dit a.g.v. apartheid.
Nconde Balfour:
The government will ensure that a fair quota of black chickens cross the road as well. Why should black chickens remain on this side of the road? I only watch black chickens crossing the road anyway.
Trevor Manuel:
Laat my wonder: Ons belas nog nie hoenders wat oor die pad loop nie.
Tony Leon:
No matter where the chicken goes, we have the guts to fight back.
Van Schalkwyk:
Lets join the chicken and cross the road !
Desmond Tutu:
Weee should have crossed the road with him. Together weee will make a difference.

Thabo Mbeki:
I dont really have an opinion about this.

GRAPPIE:
What happens when you fall in love with a gambler?
He cheats on you.

IS JY BLOND:
80 000 blondes meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium for a, Blondes Are Not Stupid Convention. The leader says, We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer? A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, What is 15 plus 15? After 15 or 20 seconds she says, Eighteen! Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80 000 blondes start cheering, Give her another chance! Give her another chance! The leader says, Well since we ve gone to the trouble of getting 80 000 of you in one place and we have the world wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance. So he asks, What is 5 plus 5? After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, Ninety? The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh everyone is disheartened the blonde starts crying and the 80 000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, Ok! Ok! Just one more chance What is 2 plus 2? The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, Four?. Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80 000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"

KAN N BLOND SWEM:
There was a competition to swim from Santa Monica to Catalina doing only the breaststroke, and the three women who entered the race were a brunette, a redhead and a blonde. After approximately 14 hours, the brunette staggered up on the shore and was declared the fastest breaststroker. About 40 minutes later, the Redhead crawled on shore and was declared the second place finisher. Nearly 4 hours after that, the blonde finally came ashore and promptly collapsed in front of the worried onlookers. When the reporters asked why it took her so long to complete the race, she replied, I dont want to sound like Im a sore loser, but I think those two other girls were using their arms.

I HATE MY JOB:
When you have an I Hate My Job day try this: On your way home from work, stop atyour pharmacy and go to the thermometer section. You will need to purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand. When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains, and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed during your therapy. Change to very comfortable clothing, such as a track suit and lie down on your bed. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Carefully place it on the bedside table so that it will not become chipped or broken. Take out the material that comes with the thermometer and read it. You will notice that in small print there is this statement: Every rectal thermometer made by Johnson and Johnson is personally tested. Now close your eyes and repeat out loud five times I am so glad I do not work for quality control at the Johnson and Johnson Company. Have a nice day and re member there is always someone with a worse job than yours.

undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0. And now Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House Cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Ive tried run ning Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.

And the reply?
Dear Desperate:
First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try entering the command C: \ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and download Tears 6.2 to install Guilt 3.0. If all works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring loudly.wav files. Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother – In - law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider additional software to improve memory and performance.
I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9.
Good Luck,
Tech Support.